10. Free Guy (Fox/Disney) I am normally a fan of Ryan Reynolds. He has brought me plenty of laughs and I usually look forward to seeing him in a film. I was looking forward to FREE GUY because of him and I liked that there was a film inside of a video game world. Then I saw the film. I didn’t laugh once. Reynolds also got really annoying early on in the film and it made this a very hard watch. I also don’t think that any of the filmmakers actually know anything about video games. There was so much that could have been done, but they went with what they thought a video game was like. So much wasted potential here just to get a few cheap laughs out of people.
9. Tom and Jerry (Warner Brothers) I grew up on TOM AND JERRY. During the summer, the local TV stations would play blocks of TOM AND JERRY every day. They always made me laugh and I was there each anc every day to watch them. I was not excited about this film, though as it was directed by Tim Story, a director who has one good film to his name, 2002’s BARBERSHOP, and hasn’t made a good film since. Go ahead, look him up. He sucks. So does this film. Instead of making a straightforward Tom and Jerry film, the filmmakers decided that audiences are stupid and they can’t take a strictly animated film of the loveable duo. We have to wade through so much live action bullshit just to get to what we came to see. It’s tiresome and dull and boring. Kick Tim Story out of Hollywood before he ruins another franchise.
8. The Guilty (Netflix) There was a film from a few years back called THE CALL and it was with Halle Berry. Same setup as THE GUILTY only it was actually good. In THE GUILTY, the filmmakers want us to side with a dirty cop who shot a black man because “he could”. I’m sorry but no. I don’t mind siding with flawed characters. I just watched Tony Scott’s 2009 remake of THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 and Denzel’s character is very flawed. He took a bribe. That’s fine. I can follow this character because what he did didn’t hurt anyone. I can’t get behind the lead in THE GUILTY because what he did is so heinous that he should be in jail and worse. That’s like asking me to get behind Kyle Rittenhouse because he is the lead character in film. No. The film is well made, especially because it was made in a pandemic, but I can’t get behind a film with a lead character like this.
7. Spiral (Lionsgate) Lionsgate lied to us. The filmmakers lied to us. They said that this was a film that took the SAW franchise in a new direction. It doesn’t. This is just another SAW film. Nothing more and nothing less. They change the motive of the killer, an identity that is mysterious to no one, to that of a cop killer, but everything else is just another SAW film. Also, Chris Rock is a legendary comedian who is a terrible actor. He plays the same character in every film no matter what the character does. The film isn’t even all that gory either. Predictable crap. Bury this franchise for the next ten years, at least.
6. Till Death (Millenium) I like Megan Fox. I think that she is fine with what she has and I have never thought she was that bad. TILL DEATH changed my mind. She is so bad in this film that I really wanted to turn the thing off. She is bland and she doesn’t seem like she wants to be in the film in the first place. The fact that the film rests on her is not a good thing. The film is also not very good. I never once thought that there was any sense of danger and I knew that she would be just fine. The fact that this is a very close copy of the much better GERALD’S GAME doesn’t help the film at all. Watch GERALD’S GAME instead. Oh and you can tell that this was made outside of the US as no lake that looked like that would have rich people build their lakehouse on. The land hasn't been built on. They are in the middle of nowhere. Name a lake like that that has a rich person lakehouse on. Go ahead, I'll wait.
5. Home Sweet Home Alone (Fox/Disney) The first HOME ALONE film is an all time classic and a film I watch every Christmas. I remember seeing the film in the theater a few times and enjoying it every time. The second film is a lesser film, but there are still some things that make me laugh. The third film is back to basics and it works for the most part. The fourth and fifth films don’t work, but they still kind of feel like a HOME ALONE film should. HOME SWEET HOME ALONE does not feel like a HOME ALONE film. The kid in the film is a psycho and we don’t root for him at all. The villains of the film are actually the good guys who got wronged by the kid and need to make it right. I really hated this approach to the film and wished that they had actually tried to make a worthwhile HOME ALONE film. This film is another in a long line of examples of why Disney buying Fox was a bad idea for film fans.
4. Ice Road (Netflix) Liam Neeson trucking machine parts across a frozen lake and the problems that come from that? Where do I sign up? That is what I said before I watch THE ICE ROAD, but after watching it, I want my time back. This is quite possibly the laziest thriller I have ever seen. There are no thrills and the chase portions of the film are done so slowly that we have to wonder if they shot the film in slow motion. I didn’t like the fact that this was kind of like ALIENS in that there needs to be a corporate guy who is going to fuck things up and become the villain. This film didn’t need a villain. All it needed was some thrilling truck scenes, but it can’t even do that right. It just goes to show that not every idea that you think is going to be amazing will turn out that way. As it turns out, driving on an Ice Road is not all that exciting.
3. Space Jam: A New Legacy (Warner Brothers) I do not like Lebron James. He does a lot of good for the community, but he is also someone who sympathizes with the Chinese government and even apologized to them at one point. He is a yes man. I also don’t like the original SPACE JAM. I never have. I don’t think it is all that funny and Michael Jordan looks pretty bored most of the time. This new SPACE JAM is really bad. I like that all of the Warner Brothers properties would come and watch this basketball game, but I also don’t like it because it is nothing more than an advertisement for Warner Brothers. I never found anything in this film funny and I was quite bored for the most part. Don Cheadle does everything he can to save the film, but even he can’t.
2. Snake Eyes (Paramount) So, you have a new prequel, even if it doesn’t play like one and has tech that wasn’t available in the films that come after it in continuity, and it is going to star the character that Paramount thinks is everyone’s favorite character, who would you get to direct it? Zack Snyder? No. Michael Bay? No. How about the guy who gave us such classics as R.I.P.D and two of the DIVERGENT films? Yes, because that makes sense. Also, how about you guys shoot all of the action scenes in such a manner that we can’t tell what is going on because no one really needs to SEE what is going on? Also, we can get actors who can’t even fake their way through a fight scene because that what’s people like, really fake looking martial arts. Then give us a story no one, even the filmmakers, care about and make it ugly and boring. I can not stress how much I hated SNAKE EYES. I went into it thinking “this could be fun” and knowing from the opening scene that it wasn’t going to be. This isn’t the worst film I have seen in 2021, but it is really close.
1. Willy’s Wonderland (Screen Media Films) Ok, let’s take the idea of FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDYS and strip away anything that can be remotely fun. Then we need to design some animatronics that look like rejects from Showbiz Pizza. Then we need to spend almost all of the budget getting Nicolas Cage because he said yes. Now that we have about $5 left in the budget, we need to find somewhere to shoot this thing. How about we shoot it in an abandoned building and build one of the fakest looking restaurants ever seen. They we will give Cage no lines. Why is there a pinball machine in the kitchen when it should be out on the floor to make money? Shut up. We can’t move it because we can’t afford a jack to lift it. We ran out of money overpaying Nicolas Cage. He came up with one of the dumbest looking dances of all time? Makes sure we put that shit in the trailer. Then Cage will “fight” the animatronics in such a way that, like SNAKE EYES, we can’t tell what the fuck is going on. When we release this thing, EVERYONE will go apeshit over it and say that it is the best film of 2021, but they are only saying that to get some hipster cred. We know that we made the worst film of 2021, but there will be so many people who are delusional that they will convice themselves it is good when it really isn’t. Fuck WILLY’S WONDERLAND.
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