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Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Microwave Massacre (Arrow Video) Blu-ray Review + Screenshots


They say that it is one of the worst films of all time. They weren't lying.
Blu-ray + DVD

Released by: Arrow Films

Release Date: Aug 31st, 1983 (Theatrical)
                        Aug 16th, 2016 (Blu-ray)

Region Code: REGION FREE

Run Time: 1h 16m

Audio: English: LPCM Mono

Video: 1080p (1.85:1 Aspect Ratio)

THE FEATURES: [3 out of 4]


My Microwave Massacre Memoirs (21m 7s, HD)

Writer-Producer Craig Muckler, Director Wayne Berwick, and Actor Loren Schein are on hand to talk about how they met and how Microwave Massacre came to be.

The idea for the film came from Muckler who thought it would make a good horror film. They got together a budget and wanted to get Rodney Dangerfield for the lead. Dangerfield turned the film down and the role was picked up by Jackie Vernon.

This is a nice little featurette that covers all of the bases from conception to release and cult status.

Image Gallery (18 Images)

You should know my thoughts on galleries by now. If not then, I don’t like them.

Trailer (1m 25s, SD, 1.33:1)

Talks about how this is the worst horror film ever made. That is really how they sold the film, by telling everyone how bad it was. All I can say is: They weren’t lying.

Audio Commentary with Craig Muckler, hosted by Mike Tristano

This is an ok listen because almost everything talked about here is covered in the featurette. Muckler doesn’t really talk on his own, so it was wise having someone there to feed him questions to answer. 

Tristano does a fine job asking the questions.

I would only recommend this track for die-hard fans of the film.

THE PACKAGING: [N/A]


I can not talk about the packaging because I don’t have it. Arrow was kind enough to send check discs, but this means that I only get a disc. The disc is the finalized version for retail. Going by pictures I have seen, it looks like the standard Arrow package: 1 Blu-ray disc, 1 DVD disc, a booklet, and reversible cover.

THE FILM: [zero stars out of 4]


I hate this film. I can not find any other way to say it. This film is one of the worst films that I have ever seen. It is not even the “so bad its good” type of film. It is just bad.

Now, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I have been watching a lot of films that I have never seen before lately and Microwave Massacre was sent to me for review. I remember my brother telling me that he had seen the film before on one of those budget DVD releases and thought that the film was terrible, but in a good way. I thought that the film was going to be a shot on video releases and I kind of have a soft spot for those. I had no idea that this film was actively going for a cult status.

The film is nicely lit and in focus, but everything else in this film is a trainwreck. Jackie Vernon is just doing his old schtick routine and not developing a character. I can’t even remember what his character’s name was. I guess one could argue that he was doing what he is known for doing, but so are a lot of other actors and they don’t get to play lead in a film.

The film’s direction and staging is terrible. The opening scene is of a woman walking down the street when she spies a construction site (a terrible construction site I might add). She goes to peak through the hole in the plywood that surrounds the site. As she does this, a man (who we never see again) pushes her up against the wood. I think. It is really hard to tell what is going on. The woman’s breast pop through the opening. One of the friends of the main character sees this and goes running toward the breasts. Just as he is about to make it, the woman removes her breasts from the hole and leaves.

This scene perplexes me. What is the point, other than getting some nudity in the film, of this scene. The scene goes nowhere. There is no punchline to the gag. I guess you can say that the punchline was the character not getting to touch the breasts, but that would imply that the guy is some sort of creep. Is that really what the filmmakers are going for? That is just sad.

The filmmakers do talk about the scene. They said that they had a scene where a corner store gets robbed (I think), but their budget didn’t allow for the scene, so they came up with the construction site scene instead. I sat there as they talked about it and said out loud   “Really? You couldn’t come up with anything else. You guys are that closed minded that ANYTHING else couldn’t have been thought of?” My wife, who was sitting in another room, comes in and asks me why I am yelling. I tell her and she laughs, saying “That’s it?” She then goes back to what she was doing.

Even if this scene wasn’t in the film, it would still be terrible. I hated this film so much that I had to give myself extra time before I wrote this review because the tone would have been completely different. It would have been ugly and mean. I am calmed now, but I still hate this film.

I would recommend this film to no one. Even if you WANT to see it, I wouldn’t recommend it. No one should see this film. I know that people will enjoy it because it is a bad film, but I don’t even think that the guys at Rifftrax would be able to get through it. They would want to do the same thing that I wanted to do: commit ritualistic suicide. That would have solved my short-term problem, but the film still would have existed. I know that there is nothing that I can do to destroy this film, but I can tell people how bad it is and that is enough for me (for now).


OVERALL: [2.5 out of 4]

Microwave Massacre is one of the worst films I have ever seen. The film offers nothing to film. It can’t even say “Watch me to know what not to do.” That would infer that it has something to offer. The film is a huge waste of time and money. Arrow, however, has gone above and beyond for this film. We get a commentary track, a making of featurette and the film remastered. As much as I can shit on the film, I can say that Arrow did a bang up job presenting this film.
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